It's one of those nights where I am sleepy but not sleeping. When I lie in the bed, I just stare at the ceiling. Even my glow in the dark bear keychain has lost its phospholuminescent glow.
I'm really not sure phospholuminescent is a word.
Timmy is tossing and turning and dreaming about something that causes him to laugh derisively every fifteen minutes or so. The other night, he rolled over, said "I dont like that, I like this" and a few nights before that, it was sleep snapping of the fingers. Makes you wonder what you are mumbling about in your sleep and who knows the secret thoughts of your dream mind.
Up here in Portsmouth in this alternately cozy and freezing house, I feel very content. And I guess it surprises me. A year ago, I wouldn't have believed that I could be happy hanging out around a small house with a boy and a pup all day, sans job, in a New Hampshire town. A year ago, I was a different person, we all are to some degree. I feel relationships drifting apart and bobbing away, but I'm not worried for a few reasons.
That's the problem with contentment... where's the hunger? Once you stop wanting and desiring, you settle in and get mossy. I of course use the terms "settle in" and "get mossy" instead of "rust" and "become stale" to try and convey the comfortableness of the entire situation... I'm not sure many people are looking for that kind of contentment in their life.
And neither am I, well I mean, I don't want this forever, although I am very fond of it right now. So I'm writing this as a way to remind myself: Michelle, there are more things ahead, more paths and more work. Enjoy this time to the fullest before real life comes in again.
We talk about how one day, we will look back on this time and shake our heads... did we really stay up all night cutting rings and gluing boxes only to miss the shipping date? did we really live in that tiny house with that tiny dog in that tiny yard?
How many things do you think that about now?
What a nice, universal human thought.
Oh, where was I going with this?
I just took a five minute interlude to think about how this applies to everyone, re: why it is only nice to hang out with your old friends for brief times. What I mean is this: when you are with someone from your past, you already have a concrete idea of who they are and what they like. When you see them, you first find out what's new in their lives and then you immediately get back to reminiscing and trying to convince yourself that not so much time has passed since you knew that person. The longer you are with them, the more differences you start the notice. New unsavory habits or newfound sainthood. This is always refreshing and wonderful at first, but then ultimately disturbing... where is the person you knew before? You can't get over it. The only way to get over it is to get into Plan: Prolonged Rekindling, where your old friend becomes your current friend, and you stop noticing changes and start noticing how they are the same. I don't mean the same in a "stale" or "rusty" way, I of course am talking about that familiar and comforting same way.
That was a rant that had no purpose or redeeming qualities to it and I will leave it up, even though I think I will read it back to myself in the morning and think about what an ass I am.
I don't know what I was trying to convey with that. Except for I love all of my friends because I know that we are simpatico, even if we don't know what's going on in each others lives 24/7 (although the internet certainly helps)
I know that I am afforded many luxuries because my mom died, and I don't mean in terms of an inheritance or her jewelry, but that I was given last year and this year for myself, instead of scrambling for a job or finishing a masters in a program i hated. I was granted the luxury of knowing my friends are family, and I don't mean that in a neglectful way, when I say that my friends are family, I mean that no matter how long it's been, when we all sit on that gigantic Kiang Family wrap around couch, no matter if you have been there before, we are all family together and warm together and covered in dogs together (the last part is very true. anyone who hasn't been to the house in a while would be appalled). I was granted the luxury of knowing that my family is like a ride or die chick... my analogies are getting weak.
So that's it. I didn't have any intentions of saying anything like this, but I suppose that was what was on my mind.
Back to bed I go, I hope sleep finds me soon.
Even though I really want to put my cold feet on Timmy when I get into bed, I won't.
