Tuesday, May 20, 2014

I'm Still Here

I'm still here and I think that warrants a celebration.

I haven't thought about this blog in probably three years. I read my last updates with a sense of surprise.

I used to feel about the loss of my mother so deeply, so viscerally, that every time I thought about her absence, my heart would feel broken again. I didn't think it would ever get better.

And some days, it's not. I miss her with all of my heart and soul, and that's not going to change. The only difference is that instead of mourning her, I now try and celebrate her every chance I get. I'll eat a bowl of bruschetta for lunch: she loved bruschetta, even though I think she put more basil it in than needed. I'll go gardening. I just bought a rose bush to put in the front yard: she always wanted a rose bush but couldn't get one to thrive in Illinois. I slip a bay leaf into my spaghetti sauce, even though it's from Ragu, because that's what she taught me to do. My sweet mother. She left us too soon.

I'm going to Taiwan to spend time with my father, JUST my father, for the first time in seventeen years. My relationship with dad is fraught with uncomfortable truths and even more uncomfortable realities, but since the almost six(!) years that mom has been gone, I've reached an understanding with the old man. As much as I fight and deny ties, I am his daughter. He turned 70 in January. The idea that his time on earth is limited is not lost on me. I don't want to continue my life in his absence. I can feel him trying to make amends and show his love to us and I think it would be the ultimate cruelty to deny him a fulfilling relationship with us. My sister, I don't know how she feels. Being nine years apart, we grew up with different versions of dad. Maybe her reality doesn't allow her to give the forgiveness that he needs. I'm ready to forgive him all his actual and perceived wrongs and I want him to know that I think he was the best father he could be, and that I appreciate him.

It feels so good to type out my thoughts and feelings. I missed the sound of the keyboard and the pleasure of typing.

I am an underemployed 29-year-old attorney. I live in a beautiful house in amazing SE Portland. I have two dogs and a husband that I adore. I haven't been this fulfilled or happy in a very long time. I want to keep writing, and I want you to be there, but you don't have to be. This is just for me, really, although I don't exactly know what my end goal is.

I started this blog, after many old ones, when I was 23 years old. At the time, I had just started dating Tim. This June, we will be celebrating our four year marriage anniversary. I suppose it looks like the theme of this blog is "how time flies." Has time done the same for you?

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